after 3 months.

when did i stop writing?

is it because of work, and how it makes me so darn tired that any free time i have is meant for activities that require no extraneous thinking? don't get me wrong, i whine like hell about PI, but i can't deny that i'm learning a hell load everyday. and when i wax lyrical about how sian i am to my unfortunate friends, somehow work hours aren't all that bad because i hardly have time to feel sian when i have ten thousand short-term goals to work towards and a million things to learn and improve on, which kind of feels me with a sense of purpose. but the moment i leave the office, i feel like a deflating balloon, because after investing all those hours and energy, i can't help but thinking that there's got to more to life.

or is it because i feel that writing in this space doesn't seem to hold much meaning any longer? like i don't want people to read something that offers only a slice of what's happening in my life, usually the more introspective moments, and think that i'm always indulging in bouts of reflection or self-pity. i don't want people i don't know very well to read this and come to conclusions about me because of a few snippets of what's happening in my life, yet i don't want to lock out people who might come across this now and then and take something away from it.

or is it because i just feel conscious of whatever i might be putting out there? and how it seems to be rather ironic, considering how i don't like to broadcast all of my thoughts and opinions on a public sphere, because i don't know who would read it, with our lives more becoming more and more open to voyeurism.

yet i love writing. and i hope to be able to get back the inspiration and ability to write freely and expressively again.

I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE.

The f-word is not really in my vocabulary but...

I'M FUCKING DYING HERE.

i cannot eat. i cannot even look at food without getting convulsions of nausea. i cannot sleep. i just lie in bed until 5am, bloody wanting to die. i cannot even lie down properly. i cannot read beyond a few pages before my head starts to split in pain. when i cover myself with a blanket i start sweating and when i kick off the blanket i start shivering. worst of all, i'm terrified i would inflict this pain on people around me. it's the kind of thing i wouldn't wish even on my worst enemy.

please let this 10 days pass soon enough.

HAPPY 2011

2010 was kind of epic. most years kind of go by nicely in a natural progression, with few highlights here and there. but some years dole out more than the usual highlights, filled with moments that your favourite photo albums are made of, moments that you would probably look back on and realize how much it had changed or defined you.

and now, 2011 - it's probably one of the first times i'm starting a new year with an entire solid list of priorities and goals. more responsibilities, more to think about. i felt i grew up quite a bit in the past year.

but let me end this post with a reminder that, like katy perry said - you & i, we'll be young forever.

happy holidays!

merry boxing day everyone!

off for the next 6 days to the land of a thousand smiles!

am gonna wean off my macbook or any form of communication back home. yes i know, HOW AM I GONNA SURVIVE RIGHT?!

but hell do i need a total cut-off from this wired-up, mad-paced life. i'm going cold turkey on the whole macbook/facebook/communication thing and i will force myself to push everything out of my mind and enjoy this well-deserved holiday!

:D

happy winter everyone

all i can say is, a room at the other end of singapore is a damn good place to run away to.

convenient? definitely. escapist? probably. selfish? but there's nothing you can do anyway.

everyone needs some time out, or time alone, sometimes.

-----

we all complain so much about exams.

yet ironically, exams seem to be an almost welcome distraction, an extremely convenient reason to have nothing else but one focus and one goal in your mind, and an oddly comfortable, single-minded routine.

mugging season

flagrant display of unbelievable hotness.

i need to consume barrels of food in order for my brain to work. by the 20th of december, i'll be a barrel myself.

hello guys

its a 9am lecture. i just got up and haven't washed my hair. i'm reading my latest blog addiction, metrodad, while watching lost on a huge-ass screen and surround sound. this is how all 9am lectures should be like.

by the way, i don't know if anyone notices how the women in lost have perfect brows. as in, they got the mussed hair and minimal makeup thing right, but the brows? i don't think a deserted island would have a pair of tweezers, much less a browhaus or indian threading lady.

it's the time of the sem when that screw-GPA mindset that most year threes develop, honed after 6 months of careless insouciance overseas, start to disintegrate. blame the radioactive NTU air that somehow bestows mutant abilities to live on caffeine, survive on no sleep and develop a bloodthirsty loathing for people who did better than us on that last assignment or are simply annoyingly smart.

so, i'm listening to 53A's album now. chillllll.... who cares? how much more inconsequential and trivial can GPA in the entire grand scheme of life?

now excuse me while i go off to chiong.